When my life took a serious turn, swerved out of control then crashed and burned violently 6 years ago in a devastating end of the family I had lovingly and painstakingly created and nurtured, I was forced to take a very solemn internal assessment.
“What did I want to be when I grew up……. this time?” I had already dreamed the dream, fostered and fed that dream and birthed the reality of it with near impeccability. I was raised and groomed to be a “no-holds barred” mother, homemaker extraordinaire, homebirther, homeschooler, holistic health expert, gardener, organic chef, doting wife and partner, church volunteer and devotee, community outreach leader, ongoing student, and fitness advocate. Tall order…… yes? I was undaunted.
How do I dream again? How on earth would I know what I wanted when I had mastered the art of taking dictation from without and obediently ascribing? Did I even know what I wanted or how to listen to that part of myself anymore?
The only thing left to do was to do something I was afraid of. Yep, I had to stir myself up internally and step out onto the proverbial ledge… and leap! So I did! I jumped out of a perfectly good airplane, with a highly reliable, ex-military jump expert attached to my backside, but jump I did….. with enthusiasm and glee! And “something” mighty powerful awoke within me….. my solar plexus gasped for air for the first time in over a decade and wailed a loud infant wail of “YES”!!! I AM ALIVE! I AM AWAKE! I AM BACK BABY AND I AM HERE TO STAY!!!
Shortly thereafter I made a log that would soon after be referred to as a “bucket list” made popular by a movie that shortly followed, and it would hold every adventure that somewhat awed or frightened me that I knew I must dare to take on.
Since that time I have skydived twice, rode an electric bull, sang public karaoke solo, danced on a bar, dropped backward into a zipline ride, parasailed in the gulf, flew shotgun in a helicopter, simulated skydive in a wind tunnel, ridden “bikeweek” on a motorcycle chopper, scuba dived, and most recently, rode an official NASCAR solo on the ride of my life!
As it is my desire to maintain the divine claim of living fully in my body, mind and spirit, I regularly expose myself to opportunities such as this. In all honesty, driving a NASCAR independent of a driving supervisor unnerved me immensely, which was exactly the point. This was grossly exacerbated by the fact that the security information video presented to all drivers that intended to take their lives into their own hands that day, was completely glitchy. It ended up being narrated by the “no-nonsense” well weathered staff member that spared us no details regarding the layout of the track, definitions of the major turns and markers, but managed to discuss how many ways we could flip our stock car and uncontrollably careen into the infamous wall.
The handful of brave souls that had purchased the same “NASCAR Experience” that I had for that day were left vacant of pertinent safety details, and equally vacant expressions.
By the time they suited me up with the official helmet and gear, established radio control to the track boss and very efficiently strapped me into my driver seat to the point of constriction, I realized that I was beyond human help. As a matter of fact the dials displayed across the dash were indiscernible to me and there didn’t appear to be time to figure them out before I was sent out onto the foreign track ill prepared.
In that precise moment, all that I had gleaned from past knowing and experience became crystal clear…… I was Divinely supported by my steadfast Guidance that absolutely had my back and I had the distinct ability to “feel” my way through this insanely cool experience. So I shut out the world and eased into an acceleration and visceral thrill that every soul should have the opportunity to own. The track boss broke my silent world with brief but eager compliments and encouragement to move to the next band of speed. I smiled at his challenge and leaned more into the accelerator, howling at the rush of the vehicle underneath me. One round and I am cheering myself aloud….. a second round and I am mastering this thing,… rushing past another driver on the 3rd turn I take it up a notch and by the 4th rounding of the track I have grown a savvy new skin for this speed thing and I am owning it! I obediently dropped my speed at the end of my “personal NASCAR experience” and slowed into Pit Row flawlessly and brought my Jack Daniels mobile to a purring halt.
YES! This IS mindfulness! This is the experience of being fully embodied, alive in my skin and completely connected with my Solar Plexus and the desires that it’s wisdom reveals to me. This is what it is to live the life unlived and make it my own. And there is so much more to come! The hot air balloon ride has been scheduled for a warm May afternoon at sunset….. and then, who knows? What a life!
What life are you choosing and is that life worthy of you?
Many of us arrive in this barren desert of juiceless emotions and unexcitable days rolling one after the other. Many of my clients show up directly in my office for this very reason alone. Some ask…”is there something wrong with my heart…. I can’t feel things like I used to”. Some are concerned about the viability of their most intimate relationships and question if they may be over.
It is nothing short of imperative to reveal these moments of emptiness for what they really are. A calling to reconnect with your most intimate inner longing…. To connect with yourself.
In my practice I refer to these moments as cultivating my solar plexus.
Recently I was privileged to be able to celebrate my birthday in grand fashion. I was flown “home” to Los Angeles where I had grown up and where the bulk of my formative memories originated from. In this magnificent city I could experience the visceral pull of the great Pacific Blue on my identity cord. My old neighborhood and familiar hotpots were all present and reminding me of days gone by. Family and friends fed this reawakening through nostalgic drives, social get-togethers and reflections of youthful escapades.
I was simply marinating in a huge aspect of myself lying dormant for so many years now. Ahhhh, YOU! I remember YOU! You are me and I am so much more than I am living fully in my present moment. May I cultivate more of “YOU” back into my self- image in the now?
When we open up to these ripe opportunities of reflective delight, we are primed to remember what we may still desire to express about ourselves…. What deep unfilled longings have been left unanswered?
Make a list! Make it fun and rediscover yourself. Do this as often as you feel prompted to wake up to yourself anew. Discover the richness within you and then set it free. Watch how other aspects of your life take on new texture and dimension.
What within you is waiting to be heard and break free?